I was feeling fine. I was feeling okay. I didn’t have any problems because I felt that everything was going my way. I thought nothing bad would happen. I thought everything was in place. But, I was wrong. A wave of sadness swept over me. A weight of loneliness made my heart heavy. A slap of uncertainty hurt me very much. A blow of despair made my happy atmosphere go into nothingness. Here I go again. That was that I thought when I noticed this sudden change of mood. Here I go again, feeling this sudden change of heart. Why am I feeling this? Why? I hate it. I loathe it. Why do I have to feel this kind of feeling every now and then? Why? Those questions were running inside my mind. Those questions kept on disturbing me. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to leave so that I won’t hurt anyone. I saw everybody as my enemy. I saw everyone as someone who caused this… this… I don’t know. I wanted to leave, to escape, to disappear. But I can’t. I can’t because I had to take the test. I can’t because I had to be present in class. I can’t because… I just can’t.

Others saw me smiling. Others saw me laughing. But they didn’t see the pain that I had to endure. They didn’t see my heart bleeding for an unknown reason. They didn’t see pass through my physical features. They didn’t.

Smile Jo! That was what I forced myself to do.

Smile. Smile a fake smile. Don’t mind the pain that your eyes are showing. Don’t worry. They won’t even notice it. You’re a master of disguises. You can smile even though your heart is bleeding. You can smile to the person you hate. You can laugh with the person you loathe. That’s what you are! A pretender. A great pretender. No one really knows what you feel. You know why? Because you won’t let them! When you are asked a question by someone, all you just do is smile and say “I’m okay.” You hide what you feel. You are a mystery. You build walls around you, walls as strong as steel. You’ve been doing that since you were still young. You’ve been doing that for a long time already. You’ve become a master at pretending.

There’s a reason why you are doing it. There’s a reason why you keep on pretending. There’s a reason… a reason that you don’t want to impart, a reason that you don’t want them to know.

Feeling moody again... 0.o